did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
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HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.