he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.