I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.