just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.