dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
