She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
