Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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