I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
