i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
