We named our party play list daddy issues
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
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I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.