It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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