Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
