how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
