but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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