enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice