I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!