Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
