god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
