I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
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she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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