two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
