My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
