i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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