I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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