Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
