my mouth tastes like poor choices
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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