Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild