She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
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The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me