I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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