The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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