Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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