Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
