Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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