My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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