Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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