Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
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Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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