My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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