I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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