you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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