I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
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don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
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My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV