Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz