I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
