I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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