He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Why is your signature on my underwear?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
