She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
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Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
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so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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