tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
