dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
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You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
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Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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