There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
