i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
