My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
