I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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