I wish I only lived at night.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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