I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
COCAINE IS GR8
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.