i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
