Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nutella sex= disaster
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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