i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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