I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
